Love... does it truly exsist?

Love. What is it exactly?
It's waking up in the morning next your favorite person in the world. Its seeing a smile on baby's face. It's seeing your friends light up when you walk into a room. It's laughing at somebody stupid jokes just so they know that you care. Love is so many different things so many different people it's amazing the definition of love. But what really is love? The textbook definition. Love is described two different ways in the dictionary. The first as a noun, which is an intense feeling of deep affection. The second is the sexual attraction between 2 people. But in real honesty what do you think of when you think of love? do you really think about the sexual part of it or is it something much deeper.
The pull you have towards someone just to be around them to know that they care about you. And what happens when a person breaks what you have that special bond even if it's not felt between both people. In recent days it has come to my attention that what I thought was love doesn't exist in my life it's just a bunch of b*******. It was fake all of it every single piece of it so what do I do now do I try to move on? Do I realize the person I've spent so much time on is a liar, a cheater, and a coward of course I do. I realize this every single day but I fell in love with this person or so I thought I did. This so called man is so pathetic he has ruined my perspective on love. I don't even think if the right guy came along my perspective would change at all. That's how damaged he's made me. I feel broken, I feel hurt, I feel confused, but most of all I feel unimportant. All I asked for was the truth and he couldn't even give that to me. You're probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Well I'm talking about the guy that is mentioned in so many different other blogs. My magic on a Saturday night man. If I talked about him so highly in the past what made me change my mind. I'm pretty sure that's all you're wondering right now. Right? Well here we go.. Here's the big story about 3 months ago right after the Saturday night incident I went to work the next day and was talking to a coworker. I was telling her about the night with this guy and she looked at me and she said did you know his ex is pregnant. Of course I had no idea and I really didn't want to believe her at first. So I asked him about it he said I ain't got no baby on the way who told you that and why are you believing it. So I let it go and time passed. Then I was sitting in my apartment last night just looking on Facebook and I see a status update congratulating this guy on the birth of his daughter. I flipped out. I was lied to. All I wanted was honesty. lf I knew the girls pregnant was that going to change my mind. Maybe. He said they weren't together. But do I even believe that not really thinking about the whole thing just makes me so upset. Of course some of the blame go to me because I was stupid enough to believe him. But really he couldn't tell the truth. He couldn't be the least bit honest with me. He had to try to get with me all while his girlfriend was having a child. Of course he said there was no trying but there was plenty of it on my end. All I wanted was love and attention preferbly his.
But now that everything's happen I don't even know if I'll get that from somebody worthy enough of mine. My love is great or at least it was. I don't know what it will be like anymore. I know my perspective has changed. But what does that mean for the love that I have inside of me to give to someone else has it changed too?
                  Until Next Time

Til the 22

You know as long as I long as I've been writing I don't think i ever blogged about my passion. Nascar. Its strange to think about honestly, the fact that if you look back you see quite a few hockey blogs. Well now comes the time when I will write about the driver that brought me into the sport and the sport that has had my heart since I was a freshman in high school.
Nascar, the American sport. In my opinion one of the the best sports out there. Who doesn't love watching guys drive around going speeds we only wish we could go on the highway. And as we hit the end of the of season and the last race which was this afternoon. I must say goodbye to the Home Depot race team and hello to the Pennzoil race team. Because we all know who my favorite driver is. Joey Logano. Earlier in the year, Home Depot decided to drop Joey as their driver and pick up Matt Kenseth. Not the best choice but more power to them really. And not to long after that Nascar announced that Joey would drive a Penske car. I was excited for Joey to have a ride for next year and am honestly thrilled that I won't be a driverless fan come February. The only thing that really jerks my chain and really I've said it before and I'll say it a million more times, until somebody realizes that I was right. Joey was a winner from the start all they had to do was give him the right equipment and a good team (crew chief, pit crew, engineers) and he could've been in the winners circle week after week. And the biggest mistake that I think JGR made was not getting rid of Zippy sooner than they did. He was accustomed to working with a winning seasoned veteran, not a 19 year old rookie. I knew this was true from the start, but when I started seeing the tension it was apparent I was right. But I don't really want to bash anyone. So I'll leave my post at this, to everyone who said that Joey couldn't win he did this year with Joe Gibbs and will plenty more times with Penske. Good luck to Joey in the off season addjusting to the new shop and all the new people and equipment, I am behind him 100% and wish him nothing but good things in the upcoming season. Can't wait for the ninety some days left until Daytona.

                Until Next Time

Fed up

Wow almost a month since I posted i can't believe that tomorrow I will finally be moving into an apartment. It feels good knowing that I'm not going to have to worry about where I'm sleeping at the end of the day. I'll finally come home to my own bed and that in and of it self I can't wait for. I have been elated these past few days it is seriously unreal. But, and we all knew it was coming because that's just how my life is and its kinda sad because all I want is to know that at the end of the day I get to be happy. And with the argument I so stubbornly started yesterday it didn't happen. For the last couple of months i have been desperately trying to reconnect and also start a relationship with a guy that i worked with and he quit working from the store early in the year. Of course i liked him back then and after he quit i started to slowly get over him and then in August he messaged me and started a conversation with me. At first i tried my hardest to be so standoffish because i didn't want to fall for him again. But he turned that charm on me and once again i was caught up in his web and found myself wanting to see him and be around him again, just to get a taste of his strange and sarcastic humor that I enjoyed so much. Them came the night that i finally saw him for the first time in a while(for that experience see the magic of a Saturday night blog). Well not exactly there was the time i saw him outside of the place where i get pedicures and nothing really happened then because he was working and i was still trying not to fall for him...again. then after that night since then i've seen him only one other time and it was again in the front seat of my car and this time there was no kissing no nothing. Just me stupidly saying that i was going to win like i was playing his game. When in reality im playing my own game against his heart and right now I'm losing. There's a point to this i swear...

So about a month ago i got kicked out of my parents house and all i choose to remember about that night is my friend calling him for me because i was afraid that if he picked up that i would just start crying with no stop. He never answered, and the next day i asked him why and got the typical response anyone would give i didn't know the number so I didn't pick up.

I told him what was going on and he asked if I was ok and if I had a place to stay. I told him the truth and he seemed genuinely concerned about me, which I appreciated and still do. So since he knew about the whole thing with my parents and everything I asked him to help me move once I found a place to live. He said maybe and wanted to know what he would get out of it. I told that we would talk about it but it wasn't going to be anything huge or drastic. So yesterday when i texted him that i was moving tomorrow he said he couldn't because he had class. I understand how important school is to him so i didn't ask him to skip class or anything and said that was fine like meant to be moody and a little understanding at the same time. And he totally blew it out of proportion and said something about not needing permission and stuff then I lost it and snapped and told him everything that has been bugging me and how him being there meant something to me. So i don't know whats going to happen tomorrow if he'll show up or not after reading that text. I don't think so... and I don't even know if i even want him there to help now that he's made me feel so unimportant and like he and i aren't even friends anymore even after it came out of his mouth that we are. I've reached my breaking point with him and if things don't change I won't hesitate to pull the last straw...

So wish me luck for tomorrow and pray i don't hurt myself. And that my sister, her big sister, and myself have a blast at the Breaking Dawn premiere tomorrow night.

                    Until Next Time

Pray....

Hectic. That describes my life right now and there really isn't another way to put it. My life is falling apart around me and somehow I'm managing to hold myself together enough to put on a big gigantic act for mostly everyone thats in my life. There are only two people that really know the extent to how bad my life is right now and they are my best guy friend who is like my older brother and one of my really close friends. I'm glad that those two let me confide in them or I'd be a total wreck and my big show might be impossible to put on. I'm not ready to share with you all how bad things actually are yet but after things start to turn around I will explain everything. The thing I need from you all right now is positive thoughts and prayers sent my way, that way I can get everything together and get my life. That things with my family gets better and that I can start my new chapter soon. Thank you all in advance for the thoughts and prayers. I appreciate them more than you know.


                                                                      Until Next Time